Posts (Newest First)

A couple of weeks ago I had an issue at work. Quite a big deal, verging on a crisis. I’ll spare the technical details however it was one of those where nobody can work and everybody is looking at you to get it fixed. A pressure moment, one of the increasingly rare times that I… Read more: I Don’t Fail. Or at Least, I Didn’t.

Another month, another break-up. Although that’s possibly too strong a term; how long do you have to ‘see’ someone for the end of it to be considered a ‘break-up’? It’s hardly come as a shock, don’t get me wrong (mostly because once again I found myself doing the actual breaking up). There were signs, and… Read more: Maybe It’s Me?

Well, I mean… kind of? I had some surgery. As it turns out rather complex surgery. I was booked in for ‘check in’ as it were, at 07.30 with a view to the actual operation starting at 09.30. Got to the hospital (a specialist place about 30 miles away from where I live) on time,… Read more: But Did You Die..?

There’s a little bit of background needed to put this into context so bear with. There was a girl that I knew for a long time, who went away. When she went away it broke something inside me that wouldn’t be fixed. She was away for a while and then asked if I’d maybe like… Read more: You Couldn’t Make It Up

Rough day coming up in a couple of weeks. Not looking forward to it. I imagine this will be the first one in about fifteen years where I won’t get a Happy Birthday message. That bothers me more than it should. A lot more than it should and certainly more than I should allow it… Read more: Almost.

Yeah, the dreams continue. I dream, but I only remember the bad ones. And by bad ones I mean the ones where she’s in them and where she likes me. And even more than a year on, they’re still at least once every couple of days. They’re bad because I have to wake up, and… Read more: Don’t Dream, It’s Over

It would be fair to say I’m not proud of myself. Disappointed in myself. Livid with myself. In fact I genuinely hate myself currently. Self loathing is not a new experience for me. For one reason or another I’ve always struggled to look at myself in the mirror, both literally and metaphorically and I honestly… Read more: “I Drank What?” *

I think about being dead a lot. Not dying, or death itself as an event. I don’t ever have the ‘suicidal ideation’ that I’m supposed to look out for (an interesting potential side-effect of a product specifically designed to not make you feel that way. You couldn’t write tragically ironic comedy any better). I do… Read more: The Woods are Lovely

Well, dry New Year’s Eve anyway. No stars, wouldn’t recommend. Anyway, up in a few hours for SL’s birthday, midday start at Telford’s, finish when the last man falls (usually me, at least one pretender to the crown though this year).

At some point in the very near future I’m going to have to get my thoughts together and actually put something down in writing about her, and the way I’m trying not to feel. But not today. Today is about a different relationship. I of course mean alcohol. I like a drink, like a lot… Read more: A Complicated Relationship

A short one. I think. Probably just an extension of my last post, more things that realistically I should attribute to memory. When you remember most things, you see signs everywhere. You’re in a shop and a song comes over the tannoy, someone says something that someone else used to say. A car, a number… Read more: Signs

Once again, before actually trying to confront my feelings and the problems with them let’s look at what I feel to be one of the main contributing factors to who I am and why I experience life the way I do. Memory. Anticlimactic, isn’t it. Well yes, the issue at hand is how much I… Read more: Oublier

To reiterate something from here, I’ve seen someone. A ‘medical professional’ as it were. Private healthcare makes such things accessible (go capitalism). A couple of sessions now. They have some strong opinions about me although I am at least apparently not what my childhood friends would have called ‘mental’. Just ‘troubled’. Anyway, they’ve suggested that… Read more: Why… Am I Like This?